Losing self-control and talking back to referees is a common challenge for many athletes. It’s easy to let emotions get the best of you when you feel a call is unfair or the stakes are high. However, this behavior can hurt not just your game but also your team’s success.
If you’ve struggled with talking back to referees and want to change, the good news is that it’s absolutely possible. With focus and practice, you can learn to control your reactions, stay composed, and channel your energy into what matters most—your performance.
Why It’s Important to Control Your Reactions
Minimize Harm to Your Team: Every technical foul gives your opponent an advantage and potentially shifts the game’s momentum.
Protect Your Reputation: Referees and opponents may develop a negative perception of you, which can affect future interactions and opportunities for you.
Stay Focused: Arguing distracts you from your game and lowers your ability to perform at your best.
Show Leadership: Controlling your emotions sets a positive example for everyone on your team.
Understanding the Root Cause
Talking back often stems from heightened emotions, a sense of unfairness, or feeling out of control. To stop, you must address the triggers and find new ways to cope.
Ask yourself:
What usually sets me off? (A bad call, the heat of the moment, or frustration with myself?)
How does talking back make me feel in the moment? (Relieved, heard, or more frustrated?)
How do I feel afterward? (Regretful, embarrassed, or upset with myself?)
Understanding these patterns is the first step toward change.
Strategies to Gain Control During Games
1. Use a Physical Cue to Stay Calm
When you feel the urge to react, having a physical action can help ground you and refocus your mind.
Try this:
Take a deep breath. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 2 seconds, and exhale for 6 seconds. This slows your heart rate and calms your nerves.
Clench your fists briefly, then release them. This simple motion helps redirect your energy away from speaking.
Step back from the situation. A small physical movement can give you space to regain control.
2. Develop a Mental "Reset Phrase"
Having a phrase you repeat in your mind can prevent you from speaking impulsively.
Examples of reset phrases:
“Next play.”
“Stay in control.”
“I’ can handle this.”
Repeat this phrase anytime you feel frustration building. Over time, it will become a mental habit.
3. Reframe Your Thoughts About Referees
Instead of seeing referees as obstacles or enemies, think of them as part of the game. They’re human, and they’ll make mistakes, just like players do.
Reframe with these thoughts:
“Refs are part of the game—I can only control my actions.”
“Arguing won’t change the call, but it can hurt my team.”
“Focus on what I can control, not what I can’t.”
This shift in perspective helps you stay focused on your performance, not the referee’s decisions.
4. Practice Self-Control in Low-Stakes Settings
Self-control is like a muscle—you can strengthen it with practice.
How to train:
In practice, ask your teammates to simulate frustrating situations and challenge yourself to stay calm.
Use scrimmages as opportunities to practice your reset phrase and physical cues.
Ask coaches or teammates to hold you accountable when you slip up, even during practice.
The more you practice under controlled conditions, the easier it will be to stay composed in games.
5. Channel Your Energy Into Positive Actions
When frustration arises, redirect your energy toward actions that help your team or improve your performance.
What to do instead of reacting:
Sprint back on defense or communicate with coaches or teammates to refocus on the game.
Clap your hands or cheer on a teammate to shift your mindset to something positive.
Remind yourself of your role and how you can contribute to the next play.
6. Reflect After Games
After each game, take time to reflect on your behavior and track your progress.
Ask yourself:
Did I handle frustration better than before?
When did I feel the urge to react, and what did I do instead?
What can I improve next time?
Keeping a journal or discussing these reflections with a coach or trusted teammate can help you stay accountable.
What to Do If You Slip Up
Changing your reactions won’t happen overnight, and you may still slip up occasionally. The key is to learn from these moments without being too hard on yourself.
Steps to recover after a mistake:
Acknowledge it: “I lost my cool, but I’ll do better next time.”
Apologize if necessary: This shows maturity and commitment to improvement.
Focus on the next opportunity to improve.
Final Thoughts
Learning to control your reactions to referees is a process that requires awareness, patience, and practice. By using physical cues, reset phrases, and reframing your thoughts, you can stay calm and composed during games. Remember, every technical foul avoided is a step forward for you and your team.
Mastering self-control will not only elevate your game but also strengthen your reputation as a focused, disciplined, and dependable sportsperson. The next time emotions rise, take a breath, reset, and show everyone—including yourself—that you’re in control.
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