Handling the Ref Situation: Staying Composed When Calls Don’t Go Your Way

It’s not just you.

Every coach, at every level, in every country, has issues with referees. Bad calls, inconsistent whistles, or even cultural differences in officiating can push you and your players to the edge.

But here’s the truth: 

👉 How you respond to referees doesn’t just affect you — it affects your entire team.

And if you can’t control yourself, how can you expect your players to keep their cool? Let’s make sure you’re handling the ref situation the right way.

🎯 Why Refs Get to Coaches and Players

Referees are part of the game. But that doesn’t make dealing with them any easier.

Here’s why ref situations can be so challenging:

✅ Loss of Control: You can’t control the refs — only your reaction to them. 

✅ High Stakes: One bad call can change the outcome of a game.

✅ Emotional Load: Frustration builds up over the course of a game or season. 

✅ Cultural Differences: Different countries and leagues have different officiating styles. 

✅ Perceived Bias: It’s easy to feel like the refs are against you when emotions are high.

And most importantly: ❌ If you lose your cool, your players will too.

🔑 The Impact of Reacting Poorly

When you lose your cool with refs, several things can go wrong:

• You lose credibility with your players. They’re looking to you for composure, not chaos.

• You shift focus away from the game. Emotionally charged reactions affect your ability to make smart decisions.

• You teach players to make excuses. If you’re blaming the refs, your players will too.

• You escalate conflict. Refs are human. Disrespectful reactions are likely to hurt your case — not help it.

📌 Recognizing When It’s Getting to You

The first step to handling ref situations well is to recognize when you’re losing control.

Here are some signs you’re getting too emotional:

• Raising your voice, yelling, or being visibly angry.

• Hyper-focusing on the ref instead of the game.

• Engaging in arguments that distract you from coaching.

• Making sarcastic or dismissive comments.

💬 “If you’re more focused on the refs than your players, it’s time to reset.”

🔍 Recognizing When It’s Getting to Your Players

It’s not just you. Your players are also dealing with the refs.

Here’s what to watch for:

• Facial expressions: Frustration, anger, or disbelief.

• Body language: Slumped shoulders, clenched fists, pacing, or sudden outbursts.

• Negative self-talk: Verbal frustration, cursing, or blaming.

• Unfocused play: Errors, poor decisions, or hesitation following a bad call.

  
  

👉 If you notice these signs, take action before it gets worse.

🔑 How to Manage Your Own Emotions

1. Have a Plan Before the Game

You know you’re going to disagree with the refs at some point. So prepare for it before the game even starts.

📌 What to Do:

• Decide in advance how you want to handle bad calls.

• Establish cues for resetting your focus (breathing, counting to 5, etc.)

• Set an intention: “Stay calm. Stay clear. Stay focused.”

💬 “If you’re not ready for frustration, you’re not ready to coach.”

2. Pick Your Battles

Not every bad call is worth your attention. Save your emotional energy for the moments that actually matter.

📌 What to Do:

• Ignore minor mistakes. Focus on the overall game, not isolated incidents.

• When you do choose to address a ref, do so calmly and respectfully.

• Ask questions instead of making accusations: “Can you help me understand that call?”

💬 “Your credibility depends on your ability to stay composed.”

3. Use Your Assistant Coaches

If you’re getting too emotional, delegate the communication with refs to your assistants. It’s better for them to handle it than for you to lose control.

📌 What to Do:

• Communicate with your assistants before the game about who handles refs when you need to cool down.

• Rotate responsibilities if necessary.

💬 “It’s not weakness to hand over control — it’s smart leadership.”

🔑 How to Help Players Stay Composed

If you’re losing your cool, so are your players. But even when you stay calm, some players still struggle with bad calls.

Here’s how to help them.

1. Bench Them to Reset

Sometimes the best way to help a player is to remove them from the situation. Give them a chance to cool down, regain focus, and come back stronger.

📌 What to Do:

• Pull them out for a few minutes and give them clear instructions to focus on their breathing.

• Let them know they can re-enter the game when they’re ready to reset.

• Give positive encouragement when they handle it well.

💬 “Take a breath. Reset. Get back in when you’re ready.”

2. Teach Emotional Recovery Skills

Don’t just expect players to stay calm — teach them how.

📌 What to Do:

• During practice, expose them to frustrating situations and coach them through it.

• Use controlled scrimmages where you call unfair fouls intentionally to build resilience.

• Teach them breathing techniques, positive self-talk, and mental resets.

💬 “Bad calls are part of the game. We can’t control them — only how we respond.”

3. Model Composure Yourself

Your players are constantly watching you. If you react poorly to refs, they’ll follow your lead.

📌 What to Do:

• Control your reactions, even when you feel it’s unfair.

• Narrate your process: “Alright, I don’t agree with that call. But we need to focus on the next play.”

• Reinforce the mindset: “We focus on what we can control.”

💬 “You can’t expect your players to stay composed if you don’t.”

🧠 Take These With You:

❤️ “Every time you lose control, you teach your players to do the same.” 

❤️ “If you don’t plan for frustration, you’ll fall apart when it hits.” 

❤️ “The ref isn’t your enemy. Your reaction is.” 

❤️ “Teach your players to stay calm by staying calm yourself.”